my love is waiting to turn your tears to roses
by MissingMommy
Summary: Lily let herself hope when she finds out she's pregnant for the second time. Only it doesn't end the way she wants it to. :: JamesLily, warning for miscarriage.


I'm the Harpies' Captain. Shout out to Amber for the help and Lizzy and Jas for betaing.

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Lily stares at the flowers in their garden. The cold air of winter has left most of the garden dead. It's a metaphor, she supposes; she already given all the life she's meant to give—to her flowers, to her son.

She hears the door open behind her, and the crunch of snow under boots.

"Merlin's balls, Lil! What are you doing out here without a jacket?" James' voice comes from behind her; it's rough and thick.

Her husband unbuttons his coat and wraps it around her shoulders. She feels no difference. She turns to meet James' hazel eyes. They are red-rimmed and puffy. She wishes she could cry, but she just feels hollow and empty.

"I wanted her just as much as I wanted Harry," Lily whispers softly, her words echoing off the snow slightly. "Does that make me selfish?"

He shakes his head, not even questioning the usage of 'her'. "You don't have a selfish bone in your body, sweetheart."

She huffs out a humorless laugh. "Aren't I though? To want to bring another baby into this world when there's no sign of this war ending?"

"Edgar has four kids; Marlene's sister has two; Molly and Arthur are expecting baby number seven," James argues gently. "It's not selfish to want some happiness in this darkness. It's human."

"But they aren't in hiding," Lily counters. "They don't have the darkest wizard of our time after them. We do. Yet, I still wanted her."

James frowns. "If that makes you selfish, then I am too. It may not have been planned, but I wanted the baby too."

She turns away, looking at the surviving marigolds. "Despite our differences, I love Petunia. She was a great sister before the Hogwarts letter. I wanted Harry to have that—a sibling to bond with. I can't even give him that."

Anger rises in her chest like an inferno. Her body continues to betray her, even when she's doing everything right. After Harry, her period started coming regularly. She had let herself hope when she found out she was pregnant. She had imagined bows, frills, and pink; she imagined a little sister for Harry.

Her husband wraps his arms around her, resting his cheek on the top of her head. She can feel him shiver against her. "I know we want another baby. This isn't the end, sweetheart. We can try again."

She jerks herself out of his grip; she doesn't deserve the comfort when it's her fault. There must've been something that she didn't do right. She had to have made a mistake. That's the only explanation.

"What if we only have Harry?" she inquires softly, her voice trembling. "What if we don't have the big family we want?"

James gently tugs her around to face him. "That doesn't matter, okay? The only thing that does is that I have you and Harry. That's enough for me."

Her eyes flicker across his face, looking for the lie she doesn't find. She shakes with anger, wondering why he isn't blaming her for losing the baby—their baby.

"Come on," he says softly, tugging her towards the house. "Harry'll be up from his nap soon."

With a sudden urgency she can't explain, she needs to hold her son. She shrugs out of James' coat, throwing it over the chair in the living room, before she heads up to Harry's nursery.

Harry is happily babbling when Lily opens the door, completely unaware of Lily's heartache. She forces a smile as she scoops him up in her arms, and holds him to her chest. She sways back and forth as she kisses the top of his head. His little hands grabs at her loose hair.

After a moment, she puts him and changes him before picking him up again. She heads down to the living room and sits on the couch with Harry on her lap.

He smiles widely and giggles as she bounces him. His eyes are getting greener by the day; her heart aches at the thought. She wants a child with James' beautiful hazel eyes more than words can express.

James grabs Harry under the arms and swings him in the air. Harry giggles again and again.

Dear Merlin, what if this is the only time she'll see James with their child? What if these moments where Harry laughs and smiles and babbles are all they'll ever have? Those thoughts are like a knife to her heart.

She wants infinitely more than this—more giggles, more smiles, more babbles—but she's terrified that she'll never have it. She's terrified that there's something wrong with her, that she's broken inside. James deserves more than a broken wife.

Eventually, Harry cries for food. Lily goes through the motions of making him a bottle. She holds him as he eats, his green-blue eyes looking up at her with such trust. After he's been burped, she pats his back until he falls asleep.

She heads back up to lay him down. She brushes the dark hairs to the side. She feels James wrap his arms around her from behind.

"I love you," he murmurs against her ear. "There is nothing in this world that could ever change that. Nothing."

For the first time since the middle of the night, she feels her eyes tearing up. She trembles in his arms. He must understand what is happening because he leads her out of the nursery and into their bedroom.

She buries her face into his chest as she finally sobs. He holds her tight, stroking her hair, as he murmurs reassurances against the top of her head. She cries for James, for Harry, for the baby she'll never meet, and he just holds her until she exhausts herself.

* * *

For Hogwarts: Mythology Task #4 - Demeter, Goddess of Agriculture: Write about someone with a floral name.

Resolutions: write 50 stories, write a fic about a disability or sensitive issue

Character Appreciation: (relationship) devoted husband 

Book club: Francis Goldsmith - (character) Lily Evans-Potter, (word) pregnant, (setting) garden

Showtime: I'm Not That Girl (reprise) - (word) Wishing

Days of the month: World Marriage Day - Write about a married couple

A Year in Entertainment: Movie - Mean Girls - (color) Pink

Liza's Loves: Red Stag - Write about James Potter

Gobstones: Orange stone - injustice; accuracy - (style) present tense, power - (word) express, technique - (object) knife

Serpent week: Emerald tree boa - (pairing) Lily/James

Scavenger hunt: Write a Marauders Era fic

Library Lovers: A Fault in Our Stars - (genre) hurt/comfort, (word) metaphor, (word) infinity

Love in Motion: James/Lily

February Writing Month wc: 954

365: 125. Event - Pregnancy

Insane: 56. Pairing: James/Lily


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